So I was speaking to my dad about something that happened at a work meeting tonight, and we were talking quite a bit about my speech. Now I feel I haven't properly justified myself, or explained enough what happens, when it comes to my speech.
It's the cause for most of the emotional ups and downs, if not all of 'em. It is probably the only thing that influences my decision to do things based off 2 things...if I'm speaking well or if I'm not. Imagine that. Imagine that your speech is the main factor in deciding what you do that day; what shop you go into; what food/drink you get; or even what you say and how you say something to another person. It's really quite a f*cking pain!
Everyone sees my speech as it is, face value. They don't understand what is going through my mind or how I'm feeling when my speech goes haywire...which I can understand! I'm not expecting everyone to feel sympathy the second they hear me speak, just some compassion and empathy (knowing where i'm coming from on an emotional level) is all I need.
But there are certain things that happen to me in different situations, i'll outline a few for you:
1. Loss of eye contact: When my speech gets a bit messed up I go into a very short spasm trying to get the air and the word out; this causes me to look away or to find a comfort spot, to get the air out. I've had people say that my eye contact can lack, well now you know. And people think that I can't look people in the eye normally...well I could look at someone straight in the eyes and not lose focus forever when I am able to.
2. Greeting people in a different manner: When I try and fix my speech from a bad patch, I go slowly and do something called "slow-rated speech". But in a scenario where I can't do that (like my job) you have to get through things faster which means i need to speak faster. At times like that the air coming out of my mouth is much more prone to be blocked, hence "blocking" my speech from continuing. In instances like this I CANNOT SAY THE WORDS THAT MY MIND WANTS ME TO SAY...instead I have to try say something of the same meaning but is easier to say. Example: If I had to greet someone at a bar, and I'm meant to say "Hi there, how can I help you?" but I can't say that? I'd end up saying "Yo man, wassup?". Now I've been pulled up for the way that I can come across to people, but the bottom line is that I CANNOT HELP THAT! Y'all can say many times that "You need to say ________" but in reality...most of the time I CAN'T!
People don't know how it feels to even suffer from a speech problem like mine, for as long as I've had it for (13 years). It comes to a point, after having a speech problem for as long as I've had it for, that when you mess up your speech you want to eject yourself from the situation you're in, find a corner that no one can find you at, curl up and keep silent. But I can't do that, I don't do that, cause I know there's always a way around it...but is it a suitable way? It's upto the individual that's affected.
This gets me to the 3rd part, respect: I try to be friendly to everyone, it's who I am! I try to make people feel relaxed and comfortable in my environment, because I'm that sort of caring person. Maybe it's my social dynamics but to people it can be unacceptable...not like I do bad things or anything, just maybe it doesn't reflect on me very well. Such things as calling people "Sir, Miss" etc can be hard for me to say; some days they will be and others they won't, but I never take my chances because of how I feel when I mess up my speech.
And this is the thing too, people tell me that I need to do ___ and ___ and ____ but THEY NEVER KNOW how I feel when I do speak. Everyone is so quick to assume that it's not much to mess up your speech...but think about this: Do you feel really happy that you could say a few sentences without any errors? No? Course you don't, because every "normal" person can speak smoothly and never think of such problems. But me? Those are the times that I am blessed with! Those are the times that tell me "Chaz, it's not going to be such a bad day after all". Because of my speech my brain thinks slower when it comes to me speaking because it's adapted so quickly to it taking a while for me to speak.
My speech can give me such low confidence and self-esteem...in such a short space of time like 3 seconds; it's not the fact that i've made the mistake that always gets to me, it's the reinforcement that "The problem will never go away"...every time i f*ck up my speech it's like a reminder, just not a very uplifting one. And having this problem can make me really doubtful too; I'm always thinking about what could happen, always thinking about the next time it will fuck up...and unfortunately most of the time it'll fuck up the next time I speak. How do you think that feels? Everyone complains when they get the hiccups, and complain when they can't get the words to roll off their tongue in the right order...they can all fuck off with their small unimportant problems! How would you like it if you get fear of talking to a girl you like on the street, not because of fear of rejection but of fear if your speech will mess up? That's the stuff I gotta live with.
How does it feel? I have no freedom of speech. There, I said it! It cripples me from the inside when I want to do something that challenges me. When I go into a different place, I always worry about my speech and how I'll sound - it's a constant worry and a constant struggle.
It's feeling like this that gives me low confidence to do public speaking or to speak on the phone, sure I can do it no problem...but how will I feel after knowing that I probably didn't form a single proper sentence smoothly? I'll want to cry after it! And no one will know how bad it feels inside as I'm speaking and messing up - sometimes I can put it into words and other times I can't. Everyone on the surface will see that someone is having problems saying a few words, but I think none of those people well ever be able to understand and relate to me when I tell them how bad I feel; how crippling it is to me when I can't even say a fucking sentence without failing; they just assume it's not a big deal...BUT IT'S A VERY BIG DEAL!
Also, I get people saying to me that they don't recognise that I have a speech problem. Lies. I also get people saying that they don't think it's a big problem. Lies. I get people trying to bullshit me to calm me down and to make me feel better about myself by lying to me. If it's such a big problem to you, man the f*ck up and tell me so I can make the decision to stop talking to you and take my business elsewhere. I wouldn't be offended if you told me that my speech was a problem, but we would both try find a solution for my speech to not be a problem...but I would be offended if you insulted my speech.
I guess the point of this was to raise awareness. I'm not here to complain about my life, just here to give justification. I try not to tell people that I have the speech problem when I first meet someone, cause what's the point? They're going to try so hard not to get on my bad side, cause they'll feel bad if they end up offending me or saying something negative about me; it's why I don't tell them to begin with and I let them figure it out for themselves; it's why I want to see if they'll like me for who I am and what I do, and it's not them trying to say "He's got a speech problem, I better go easy on him".
I've done all I can! I have no reason to try and act like I'm sorry that my speech could cause problems, cause I already know it does and it's how the other person handles it! I'm not sorry that you're offended, and I'm definitely not sorry that it is making you impatient and could cause a problem in the workplace...I gave up caring about it being someone else's problem. I'm not sorry that you are annoyed that it's embarrassing you, if you think it's embarrassing you then you're a prick...cause in among all of this, how do you think I feel?
*Signing Out*
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