Right now I'm feeling pretty uninspired to dance right now; I'm not dancing like my usual self anymore. I'm not feeling creative or free right now. I have a few reasons why this is happening...I'll go through them:
1. Overview of my breakin' from a different perspective
I'm really thankful that I have a crew where everyone is better than me, so with everything they teach me/criticize me on I'll get better and improve - this also helps when I'm creating new sets and they can help me with my form and give me different ideas and such.
Although, here is what I want to achieve from breaking...I don't want to be the generic, stereotypical b-boy that you see; in fact I don't want to be labelled as a European B-boy, or X bboy or Y bboy...I want to be ChazB and for me to be ChazB I have to feel free and look different because it is congruent to who I am as a person.
I don't like structure, in the true sense of the meaning, I feel it restricts me from doing things. I understand that people have their opinions on what every bboy should know, but does it mean you need to physically know them? Or does it mean you should be mentally in tune with them, without needing to be perfect at the physical part of them?
So then how did I choose to come to these conclusions? It was when I started to choose what I wanted to achieve as a dancer.
It started when I saw Y-Not (Rock Steady) dance, his toprock was just inspiring as f*ck, what he was doing on top I wanted to do everywhere...not just for toprock, I wanted to transcend his level of musicality into every movement I did. It was then I had that session that changed everything - I moved to the music and did not care how it looked or how stupid it was, I felt great about it.
When I really want to follow certain parts of the music, I came up with so many different movements that felt amazing to me even if they looked average or sloppy. It was then I had decided to go off and do whatever the hell I wanted. Obviously I work on the movements that helped me achieve some heightened level of musicality, just probably not enough because of what I feel.
Then this sort of all changed for me :/
It was when I was beginning to prepare for our shows at TITP that I was told to clean my stuff up. Obviously I understand that when you're doing shows you need to be clean and dynamic and the list goes on...so i needed to be cleaner.
After the shows were done I still needed to get my shit cleaner, so I practised my footwork and all sorts to make em cleaner so that when I did fuck around I'd look better.
What has this done to me? It's made me feel generic, sometimes look it too. I'm doing movements that aren't even like me to do, sure they may look cool on me and they may suit me but are they congruent with who I am and what I want to achieve? No. It's also made my mind claustrophobic; I find it harder than ever to go off now.
2. Too much shit happening in my life
Yep, there's too much shit happening in my life. I've been on a low because I feel that my speech problem could be getting worse, so I've already taken action to prevent it getting worse by doing breathing exercises and such - they're working great but my confidence to cross social barriers isn't helping my emotional state of balance.
I also found out some other information, I guess consciously I'm not worried about it but subconsciously I think it's taking a toll on me. You try and establish some control in your life so you get the most out of it, and yet what am I getting out of it now? I feel like shit when I'm not myself...unfortunately that's happening more often now, I'm just very good at hiding it.
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So what do I do now? Do I go to an event just to cypher and film? Do I take time off from breaking to clear my mind and pursue other passions of mine? Or do I make a mini documentary about my dancing outlining the same things as here? I dunno, the documentary seems more appealing and emotional to the viewer. F*ck it, I'll do all 3. Looks like I could do with a break from it all.
Put it this way, in my scene I'm still a creation...a work in progress shall we call it. People see me battle one time and I do x and y, but then the next battle comes up and I do a and b. That's how it should be, predictable is a word I will never take hold of in this dance.
*Signing Out*
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